A few weeks ago, I posted a response to a blog entry at wired.com about pre-meds. At the time, I was pretty worked up and defensive about it, and I went out of my way to disprove their negative take on pre-meds.
Now I realize I was just taking it all too personally.
The article was right. I accept that now.
The truth of the matter is that I actually gave up on my dream of med school for a while–a couple years, actually–largely because I was annoyed by so many of my pre-med classmates. I couldn’t bear the thought of being stuck in a classroom/hospital with them for the better part of the next decade. They were easily the most obnoxious, irritating, and infuriating classmates I have encountered at any point in my education. While I somehow managed to make it through my pre-med curriculum without succumbing to the douche-laden pitfalls that plague so many pre-meds, I feel that perhaps I was lucky. Med school admissions is a cut-throat process, so I understand why so many pre-meds turn out the way they do. In a lot of ways, they can’t help it. They’re the human carnage from an inherently (and massively) flawed train-wreck of a system.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m living proof that you can get into medical school without devolving into a feminine hygiene product.
So, if you’re one of my two or three readers, and you happen to be a pre-med, I’m pleading with you: don’t be a douchebag. Sure, you want to get into medical school, but there’s no reason you have to become less than human in the process.
In an effort to help you retain your dignity, and to perhaps stem the rising tide of pre-med douchebags, I’ve created this handy guide.
What’s a douchebag?
I’m glad you asked that question. Douchebags are common in contemporary society, owing largely to the fact that they are universal facets of all social groups. As such, douchebags are not unique to any one gender, race, religion, or socio-economic background. Some groups may have a higher concentration of douchebags than others, but make no mistake–they’re everywhere. You’re just as likely to spot a douchebag at a string quartet recital as at a Poison reunion show. Due to their ubiquity, it is necessary to define what exactly unites all douchebags across the spectrum of douchebaggery, from the pretentious van-dyke -sporting philosophy douche at the local coffee shop to that greasy sleazebag at the bar who wears his shirt unbuttoned to the navel. A douchebag is defined on UrbanDictionary.com as:
An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues, with no sense of how moronic he appears.
That definition works for me. Douchebags are common, in part, because they are only moderately awful. While they’re more offensive than, say, losers or posers, they aren’t offensive enough to be full-on assholes or motherfuckers either.
How do I know if I’m a pre-med douchebag?
Another good question. Unfortunately, most douchebags are unaware that they are douchebags. For some reason, self-reflection is not a skill that most douchebags posess, which means that a pre-med douchebag can be accepted to medical school, become a medical student douchebag, then an intern douchebag, a resident douchebag, and an attending douchebag–and get this–he (or she) might never know that he is a douchebag! The general rule, however, is that if you have to ask, you’re probably a douchebag.
What’s wrong with being a pre-med douchebag, if I get into medical school in the end?
Last time I checked, being a douchebag wasn’t a crime–so nothing, technically. Aside from the fact that you’re obnoxious, whiny, devoid of all personality, and contagiously neurotic, you’ve done nothing wrong. If you’re okay with this, then by all means, run with it.
Perhaps the biggest offense perpetrated by the douchiest of pre-meds has been to give the rest of us a bad name. Pre-med d-bags are a prime example of the 40/60 rule: it’s 40% of all pre-meds who give the remaining 60% an undeserved bad reputation. That, perhaps, is the true crime of the pre-med douchebag.
How can I avoid becoming a pre-med douchebag?
Easy. Just follow these rules:
- Don’t wear scrubs to class. Ever. I don’t care if you just came from performing cardiac bypass surgery on the pope. There’s no need to wear scrubs in organic chemistry class, period. You look like a jerk, and you make me embarrassed to be tangentially affiliated with you through shared professional ambitions. Just pack a change of clothes in your backpack and slap on a sweat shirt before class. Seriously.
- Never utter the phrase “is this going to be on the test?” If it’s covered in class, chances are, it will be on the test, genius. If it doesn’t make it to the test, consider yourself blessed with a free piece of knowledge, and move on.
- Never utter the phrase “I’m a pre-med.” Being a pre-med is not a bad thing, but the arrogance with which many pre-meds flaunt this simple fact is nauseating. This is kind of like buying a telescope and proudly declaring that “I’m a pre-astronaut,” or nuking a packet of ramen and bragging, “I’m a pre-chef.” So you’re in college, taking some science classes that are remotely related to the practice of medicine. Congratulations. But remember, most pre-meds don’t make it to medical school, so being a pre-med really isn’t a distinguished badge of honor. If someone asks you what you’re doing in school, just state your major (which is NOT pre-med) and move on. If you REAAALY can’t help yourself, tell them that you’re going to apply to medical school. Avoiding self-aggrandizing remarks that boast about your pre-med status will go a long way towards preventing you from being a pre-med douchebag.
- Don’t talk about grades. You know who I’m talking about. You might not know his name, but you recognize him as an alpha douchebag pre-med. Worse yet, he recognizes you as a pre-med as well, and comes up after a test and asks how you did. You tell him you did okay. He smirks as he asks, “how okay? Because I got a 95%.” Fucking pre-med grade whores. Why do they get off on telling everyone their grades? I mean, I understand being excited about winning that hard-earned mark; if you ace a test, I salute you. But there’s no need to brag if you did well–it only makes you look like a douchebag. If you really need to share with someone, call your mom. She’s the only one who cares.
- Think before haggling for points. Too many times throughout college, I can remember seeing the same handful of douchebags standing in line outside a professor’s office after a test. Without fail, they were there to gain an extra percentage point, even though they had already gotten A’s. This practice is annoying at best, and counterproductive, at worst. Do you think a professor wants to write you a letter of recommendation after you barged into his office and demanded he raise your grade three-tenths of a percentage point, time and time again? Of course not. The professor would probably prefer write a glowing LOR for this lady than spend another minute thinking about you, you greedy douchebag. Grade haggling is a tricky subject, however, because very, very occasionally, it is warranted. If you were inaccurately or unfairly graded, by all means, request a re-grade. If you are half a percentage point away from a better letter grade, I can see how you might make a case to a professor. Exercise due caution when trying to improve your grade. It could always backfire in the long run.
- Get a hobby. One of the character traits common to almost all pre-med douchebags is a lack of any defined or well-developed personality. Most are just carbon-copy clones of one another. They all got it in their heads at some point that one must be a biology major, join the pre-med club, and volunteer at the hospital, among other things, to get into medical school. Very few pre-meds ever do these things because they actually want to, or because they’re interested in them. This leads to an army of lookalike applicants who all blur together in the minds of the admission committees. My advice: get a hobby. Do something (or several things) because you like them. Be passionate about something that isn’t medicine or medically related. Do you like rock climbing? Good–go do it until your fingers bleed. Are you into music? Cool. Start a band or join the student radio. Do you have a passion for the mating habits of geckos? Neat-O! Get licensed as a gecko breeder then. Whatever it is, just do it. Anything that makes you stand out and appear more unique will be of great service to you when you apply to med school, and it will have the added bonus of making you less of a douchebag. (Unless your interest involves spray-tanning.)
- Don’t talk about medical school and/or the MCAT all the time. For reasons that are related to the fact that they have no other interests, pre-med douchebags can’t seem to talk about anything except medical school and/or the MCAT. Without fail, whenever two pre-med douchebags share a class together, they will inevitably flock to the front row and yammer on about MCAT test taking strategies before and after class. I’d rather hear you talk about your pus-oozing ass wounds than hear your about your MCAT flash cards or what schools you’re applying to. Do everyone in the class a favor and pick a new topic of conversation, or STFU.
- Learn to accept the fact that you may or may not actually become a doctor. Remember, more than half of all medical school applicants don’t get into medical school. Furthermore, a whole lot of pre-meds are weeded out of the process before ever even applying. So, for the love of God, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, Darwin, or whatever/whoever–please, please, please don’t act like you’re already a doctor. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a doctor. But telling people that you are, without a doubt, going to be an orthopedic surgeon when you’re still at a point in your education where you haven’t even passed General Chemistry is being a bit premature, douchebag. When an 8-year-old confidently declares he’s going to be a doctor, it’s cute. When a 18-year-old does it, it’s pretentious and a bit ill-informed. Learn to live with the fact that even with the best possible stats, you might not get into medical school. Have a little humility, and figure out a back-up plan. Besides, humility is like anti-douchebag serum, with the added bonus that you’ll be all the more grateful if/when you get accepted.
What if I do all these things, and I’m still a douchebag?
Well, if you follow my list above, and you’re still a pre-med douchebag, then it’s likely that you’re just a douchebag in general, and there’s no hope for you. Sorry.
Tags: douchebags · pre-meds30 Comments
LOL! I was probably a bit of a douchebag even though I was a nontrad… on the other hand, I had to justify centering my life around taking prereqs and doing well in them.
You will find that there are YouTube videos and facebook groups addressing the douchebagism that persists into med school and beyond…
Once I got to med school I decided a) I was going to have a life, most of the time (except maybe the week before a test) b) I was not going to discuss grades c) if anyone acted in a cutthroat manner I would avoid that person as if he/she had SARS, smallpox and the plague combined. My strategies have worked and I am still sane.
@ Verena– I think it’s hard to go through the application process and not be a douche at least some of the time. Being a pre-med (or med student, or intern, etc…) requires so much more than most people are used to giving, that people inevitably turn douchey from time to time. (I know I’m guilty.) The trick is to not let it overtake you, I suppose.
@ Capone– I like your suggestion–a douchebag intervention force. Kinda like that show “Intervention,” where a cadre of close friends and loved-ones could be called upon to step in and break it to a loved one that they’re being a douche. Excellent!
Great advice, but as you said, douchebags are notoriously incapable of recognising their own douchbaggery (douchebaggedness?). It’s clearly up to those who know douchebags to hold some kind of douchebag intervention. I must have won some kind of award for using the word douchebag so many times in this comment.
(Douchebag)
I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of dealing with douchebags, the medical profession is full of them. Good luck anyway from someone who’s already been there (albeit in a different country).
I think it’s endemic to a certain kind of person. Doctors seem to be more likely to have that attitude, but maybe its because if its a garage guy, plumber, salesclerk, you can just chuck ‘em and go to a different vendor. Doctors, though, if they have it, theres no escape.
Seriously? Stop with the fucking sexist language and you’d actually have a piece of writing worth reading. As it is, the sexist language marks you as a douchebag. Thanks for trying, though.
@ Brenda: Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry you find my writing to be filled with “sexist language”–I assure you that isn’t my intention. Since you don’t explicitly say what part of my post you find offensive, I’m going to assume that you’re referring to the “he (or she)” comment. Considering that English lacks a suitably gender-neutral third person pronoun to use in this situation, I went ahead and used “he (or she)” rather than choosing one gender-specific pronoun, precisely in an effort to AVOID “sexist language.” The reason I went with “he” first was to highlight the fact that most douchebags are guys. There’s no harm in calling it like I see it, is there?
This is hilarious. I remember the good ole days of pre-med where everyone thinks they know something. What’s amusing though are the kids that don’t change upon arriving in medical school – as anybody in med school can tell you, all it takes is not knowing any random or obscure fact about some random disease on the wards before a hot shot doctor pimps you and rips your self-esteem to shreds – you’re right poster, humility –> decrease in douchebaggity.
@Sean: I don’t expect much to be different in med school… I’ve heard/read enough horror stories to know that the douchebaggery will persist… but a guy can dream, can’t he?
Who is the douchebag, again? Maybe if you could get over yourself you’d realize that there are MUCH better uses of your time than making long-winded rants on your blog about how all of your classmates suck and aren’t as “normal and well-adjusted” as you claim to be.
Personally, I’m glad that med schools attract high achieving, dynamic, and competent people. Know why? Cause these are the people that will be treating me, you, and our families when ill falls upon us. I’d prefer them to be serious about their career instead of having a “who gives a flying fuck” attitude like you seem to possess.
Ready for the kicker? I feel qualified to give you a swift kick in the ass because I just finished my first year at IU med school; and you know what? 95% of my classmates are well-adjusted, smart, funny, talented individuals that deserve to be where they are.
You, sir, need an attitude adjustment before I would let you ANYWHERE NEAR my loved ones. The bitterness you harbor against the people who know what they want and how to achieve it is not flattering.
@Nate–I appreciate your comment. For the record, I never said all pre-meds were douchebags–far from it. (Did you skip the part about the 40/60 rule?) And I never said I had anything against “high-achieving, dynamic, and competent people.” If anything, we need more of those people going into medicine; I want those people to be my doctor too. My beef is with the legions of sociopathically over-zealous and annoying pre-meds who give the rest of us a bad name. That doesn’t seem so out of line to me, so I’m not sure that warrants me getting a “swift kick in the ass,” but if dishing out corporal punishment is part of your definition for being a compassionate and competent physician, then perhaps we should just agree to disagree.
Best of luck with your second year (and beyond)!
Hey.
In your introduction of this text you wrote as if you thought you had 2-3 readers. Yet you have 10 comments (when I wrote this), does this mean that each reader wrote 5 to 3.33 comments or was it a joke?
Because I think this post was awesome!
MOAR!
I served as a tour guide for my medical school. Here are some tips when on an interview and taking a tour:
1. Don’t interrupt. There is no question so important that it can’t wait until the end. I once began a tour by saying, “Here is the student lounge where we…” when some girl jumped in with, “What’s you student-to-body ratio in anatomy?!?” For whatever reason, this question gets asked every week. I don’t know why the student-to-body ratio is so important to pre-meds. I’ve never met a person who made his decision on where to go to medical school based upon the student-to-body ratio. Yet every week, I know it’s coming. That being said, don’t interrupt your tour guide.
2. Don’t lead the tour. No matter what you’re read online about the school you’re interviewing at, you don’t know anything about the university. I had one interviewee who started telling other appicants that first-year students perform surgeries without assistance. She even tried to show off the computer lab and the microscope lab. Aside from getting several critical pieces of information incorrect, she undermined my tour and spread false rumors. To make things worse, she had never visited the campus before. I don’t know where she got her information.
3. Don’t ask stupid questions. I know you’re dying inside to find out the school’s student-to-body ratio. Hold off for a few minutes; I’m sure that the tour guide will tell you. Some other things you shouldn’t ask (yet I’ve heard from applicants) are:
- Do you have a gym? Seriously, I get asked every week if we have a gym. I don’t know of a university in the entire country that doesn’t have a gym. But somehow every week some woman asks. It’s always a woman.
- Do you have a library? I never saw that one coming.
- (In our Windows-only computer lab): Can I request a Macintosh instead? No, you can’t have a different computer simply because you’re on a self-righteous trip to rid the world of Microsoft.
- What are the names of the dermatology professors here? One guy pulled out a sheet of paper and was ready to start taking names. There’s a faculty roster near the building’s entrance. You’re welcome to spend some time there.
- What’s your student-to-body ratio? Never ask this question. I wish a had a trap door in the anatomy lab so I could send applicants away who feel the need the ask. “You want to know our ratio, eh? Just take two steps to the right and one more step forward.”
I hope this list helps. Please do your tour guides a favor by quietly listening to the monologue, laughing at the jokes, and nodding your heads in firm agreement to whatever opinions he/she may offer.
Hello,
“Spirit of the Place” is definitely a great read.
It’s considered Mr. Shem’s most ambitious work.
Anyone interested should visit http://www.samuelshem.com for more information.
AMEN! I just found this and it’s SOOO true. Sometimes I don’t even want to admit I’m a “pre-med” because it seems that only the most obnoxious, grade-obsessed people at my school are part of this category. Why do some pre-meds give the rest such a bad rap??!! Thank you for writing this.
This is great. I now have a little bit more hope in my heart that in the swarm of sardines that I got packed along with, there is someone out there with a fucking sense of humor who’s keepin it real! Yes, I will be a doctor. And yes, I will be a damn good doctor. But I will also be a human being. =]
I think you make some good points about the faulty system one must go through to become a doctor. It seems like some doctors give their ego precedence over helping their patients. I mean, being a healthcare provider (whether you’re a hospital volunteer or a spine surgeon) is about the want and need to help others. But the amount of time that has to be committed and the amount of knowledge that has to be grasped in a prospective physician’s education seems to be more than enough to turn a decent, hard-working, smart guy (or girl) into an elitist, pompous prick.
One of the earlier posters here said “all it takes is not knowing any random or obscure fact about some random disease on the wards before a hot shot doctor pimps you and rips your self-esteem to shreds.”
It’s kind of gross to read that. It’s obviously a good thing that doctor’s have as much knowledge as they do and I understand why the curricula has to be so rigorous. What I don’t understand is why developing such an impressive base of knowledge has to make the person believe that his own fecal matter should be worshipped. I can only imagine how such self-righteousness can interfere with patient care.
I’m 18, going to be a freshman in college this fall, and am pretty seriously considering going in the direction of medicine. I realize that med school is an incredible commitment and that any lackluster effort will be a waste of everyone’s time and money. But at the same time, as you say in your entry, declaring a job title at the age of 18 is a statement that should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s a recipe for disaster not to try different things.
My fascination with medicine is how infinitely complex the human body is. While other professions can dwindle and stagnate, a person can study the human body his whole life and still not understand it completely.
My only hope is that, if I do decide that med school is totally what I want to do and I get in, I don’t become a douchebag. Graduating from med school is a challenge. But graduating from med school and still remembering that your kindergarten teacher said, “treat others how you would like to be treated” seems like it would be the biggest challenge. I think if I ever become a doctor one thing I will do is make sure to buy a cheap-ass car. That is one easy way to ensure staying humble.
I’m glad I ran into your blog, because I think it has helped me have the potential ability to avoid some problems before they ever happen. I can already picture myself in a chemistry class talking in an unusually loud voice to some guy who doesn’t care about all things related to med school. I gotta make a conscious effort to stop this stuff before it happens or I’ll become a prick regardless of what profession I might go into.
Anyway, keep writing. I have enjoyed reading your posts and you’re witty enough to show that you’re not a devoid-of-all-personality douchebag. It also helps that you didn’t strike back the posters here who attacked you. I don’t understand how the guy who called you a douchebag can tell others not to harbor bitterness. Seems kind of hypocritical and a point-proving display of the douchebaggery abound at medical school.
Take er easy
Boy, do I feel happier after reading your article! : )
Going to med school is something that’s always in the back of my mind everyday, but I always feel that I would find the same amount of satisfaction in the end for just being a chemist as long as I enjoy what I do. My college is full of premeds. A friend of mine is a premed and she depends on me to listen to her complaints every day. We were together as freshmans in organic chemistry but I got so overwhelmed with her needs that I had to give a taste of her own medicine (and it was nothing compared to her year-long whining). She left our group and joined another during class discussions. Now she just stares at me whenever I see her somewhere on campus, as if I’m a stranger. I’m not doing as well as she is in classes…good for her if she ever gets into medical school. I’m just surprised how she can be that ignorant of people’s feelings. Holding a pre-med title is surely a frightening thing. Their burden becomes a burden to others as well. She’s probably laughing at my C in physics right now considering her character. Sucks. If you enjoy something, you should have a positive intention to share it, not putting it into a battlefield and making it look awful for those that are interested.
[...] 100 Blogs to Read Before Med School NursingSchools.net has put together a list of the 100 blog posts you should read before going to medical school. The posts are divided into 8 categories, including: Getting In, Getting Started, Financing School, Advice from Med Students, Getting through School, Residency, Your Education, Testing, Life After Med School. The list covers a huge variety of topics like how to write an admission essay, money saving tips, how to maintain a social life, and (my personal favorite) a guide to not being a pre-med douchebag. [...]
Hmm. I have no idea how an excerpt from my blog was automatically posted in your comments section here. Sorry about that. I’ll see if I can turn that off. Great post either way.
what if I’m just an asshole in general? I don’t brag about my grade nor do I ever say I’m Pre-Med. Unless I get some people who reply ” Why are you even going into Philosophy for?” that’s only when I ever tell them I’m Pre-Med. Another thing about your article which I find to be misleading. The part which two people will have a conversation about the MCAT and whatever other related subject to medical school whatever that may be, that they’re douche. Isn’t the whole point of being a doctor is because you’re INTERESTED IN it? So I don’t see why it would be a douche thing to do if you talk about what you’re interested in. I could go on but I’ll see what you have to say first.
Phong: first off, if you’re “just an asshole in general,” then you’re an asshole. not a douche. i am not here to judge one way or the other with regards the the former. with regards to the latter, however… it’s not a douchey thing to be interested in medicine. nor is it douchey to DISCRETELY, talk about premed stuff, or med school, or whatever. there are thousands of premeds who are interested in medicine, but manage to convey that interest to one another without constantly barking about it as if it’s the only facet of their personality worth discussing. it’s douchey to go around advertising to the world that you’re a premed, and wear scrubs and a stethoscope when you haven’t even finished organic chemistry yet. it reeks of pretentiousness. and really, what makes you a douche, more than anything else, is being pretentious.
after reading that. i agree with you. i would hate douchebag too. lol,
It’s true. 99.9% of premed students are assholes. I’m only here reading this cause I’m sick and tired of all these pretentious bitches in my science classes. I think this was one of the first search results doing a google search “premed students are assholes”; I clicked it and couldn’t agree more. I tell one of them I’m taking this biology class just cause I thought it was interesting, even though I don’t need it for my major, and that person laughed like I was crazy. I also tell them I’m interested in doing basic research and they are like eww or just laugh. Like hello! Without basic research there wouldn’t even be medicine! Working with them is a pain in the ass, they are always bitching about how boring science is. Well do something else stupid bitch! If I notice a premed student I just try to steer away from them as if they’re toxic waste sludge.
And yeah, a lot of them never shut their fucken mouths about grades, its so fucken annoying. Who cares if I get a B, it’s still a good grade! Oh yeah, I also can’t forget to mention that a lot of them are cheaters who cheat to get good grades and brag about it, how pathetic… A lot of them are dull and talentless; with no other skills to fall back on if their premed route caves in on them which is going to happen anyways since they have no substance whatsoever. I guess McDonalds would do for them. There are so few scientists, aspiring microbiologist here, these days. I wonder how many premed students actually do it because they love it. It’s sad most of them just do it for the money and because their parents force them to or for bragging rights. If these assholes make it into med school I hope it fucks them up really bad…
i’m in high school and already on my way to becoming a p-md d-bag. ohhh crap.
So this is a good year later, but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Seriously, I felt like I was one of the only people the feel this way. So many students get 20’s on the exams, and so I am perfectly fine with a 70 if I tried my hardest. And there’s always that one student who asks how I did and then gives me a little smirk after I tell him. I hate that smirk….
Although a lot of people are right. I think at some point or another we have all had a douchbag moment. I will almost always add “premed” to the biology title, because If I say “biology” most people continue to ask what I’m doing with that major. If I say “premed” most will just assume and sound impressed.
Could u please come to my school and recite this >.<
Very nice. How about the douche bags that are overly loud when talking about interviews?
This blog just made my day. I’m in the process of applying. I’ve had 3 interviews and a 4th scheduled next month. I got my first rejection today from a school I interviewed with last week and came home in the worst mood, just wondering if I really have what it takes to be accepted and hack it in med school. I’m sure I’ve had my douchey moments, but I’ve never claimed to be pre-med till now when I’m actually applying. I remember being annoyed by the numerous med-school groupies who flaunted the pre-med banner only to drop out after their first biology class, so this post was really hilarious. The funny thing is after I got my rejection today I came home feeling like maybe I can’t compete with some of the no-personality drones I’ve run into at my interviews. I’m prepared. I have the grades and the MCAT score, but I felt like maybe I wasn’t taken seriously at my interview because I made jokes or wore a trendy pencil skirt and sported a new Guess bag, but you know what? I’m not worried. I’ll get accepted somewhere and for now being content with the fact that I made it through undergrad without sinking in the quicksand that is pre-med douchebaggery is good enough for me. Thanks cheering me up. I’ll be reading.
-H
Oh my god. This makes me feel 200 times better. I’ve been surrounded by pre-med d-bags for 3 years of school now, and they constantly make me doubt the medical profession. If I were sick and I ended up with one of these kids as my doctor, I would seriously turn to WebMD and self-medicate. I know pre-meds that would get hit by a truck if it meant they earned an A.
I thought I was the only person who had ever noticed this. Good to know that other aspiring doctors hate this as much as I do and have managed to retain their personalities; there is hope after all.
Haha! This post was funny; gave me a couple of good laughs. Just came across your blog & it’s pretty interesting. Great posts!
[...] A guide to not being a pre-med douchebag: If you’re still in the early stages of you medical career this post can help you learn how to not be a jerk and infuriate your classmates. [...]